» CAUTION: Don’t bother reading this unless you’re a true music addict, someone who cares about people struggling with and defeating depression, or someone who cares about someone’s “positive outlook through adversity.” You have been warned.

» Through all of the ups and downs, the highs and lows of life, I have always had one thing to lean on.  When I felt betrayed, when I suffered a loss, when I felt defeated, when I felt alone and forgotten - through the worst, I always had music to get me through. 

» I’ve struggled with depression since I was in 7th grade.  It has been a very rough journey getting to where I am now.  I faced so many challenges and road blocks along the way.  I have lost loved ones, I’ve been exiled, I’ve been written off and cast out.  I’ve been rejected, isolated, and struck with failure.  These are things that people face every day, and yet somehow I just could never really conquer all of these adversities at once.  Sometimes they came at me one by one, and sometimes they overwhelmed me.  No matter what, even when my “friends” turned their backs on me, and even when I felt unappreciated by those close to me, I always had music.

» When I was younger, I took everything too seriously.  There was a point where I physically couldn’t laugh.  I just smiled and breathed, my air drowned out by the laughter around me.  Later on, when I was hit with the first wave of depression, I physically lost the ability to cry for almost two years.  I mastered the art of hiding my feelings, so even when I was by myself, I couldn’t relieve the pressure building inside me.  It was awful.  I don’t drink, so I couldn’t find relief there.  (That in itself, the fact that I’m “edge” or whatever you’d like to call it, has been the choice I’m most proud of, and also one of the hardest things I have to face.)  In fact, being surrounded by people who seemed to ONLY drink, etc in high school made me want to die.  Great, you party. Let’s move on.  This, plus every day stress, plus my inability to fit in made life quite difficult.  Only a few people really understood me, and even that wasn’t enough most of the time.  I had been burned so frequently no matter what I did, and that made it so hard to trust anyone, even my family.  So the only thing I could turn to was my music.

» The Used, Good Charlotte, and Taking Back Sunday were three of the first bands to give me hope.  The Used gave me songs that let me channel my frustration, and songs that calmed me down with sweet melodies.  Good Charlotte showed me that I could have fun, even when listening to a song about murder.  They made it okay to stand out, to be different from the rest.  Taking Back Sunday showed me that just a couple of average Joes from Long Island could go out there and make something of themselves - something that could be shared with millions.  These three bands have been in my life since I was in elementary school, and now that I’m in college, my love for them has only grown stronger.

» High school led me to discover local music, and led me to the wonderful people making it.  Through a single conversation at lunch, I found Table 21, which led to me finding Something Epic!, which led to me finding Patent Pending, which all came together and led me to finding something real; Through this chain, I found a second family.  Through music, I found somewhere I felt at home.

» I befriended band members, then the friends of these band members, until eventually I was part of something that mattered more than anything else.  No matter how tough things were Monday - Thursday, I knew that I would find peace at the show on Friday.  I finally found a way of relieving stress, for taking my mind off of the negative.  Buying CDs became a way for me to own that feeling, that connection with something bigger than myself.  I had always loved music, but this made it more concrete.  Not just a love, or passion, but an obsession.

» I’ve seen people say how “[insert band name here]” saved their life.  I’m not crediting any one band for the fact that I’m still around.  I have a purpose, and I know that.  That’s something I’ve known from the start.  Everything happens for a reason.  I met Chris so he could introduce me to Brian, who indirectly introduced me to Michaela since she went to all of his shows.  I was exiled by two groups of “friends”, once every other year in high school, so that I could learn the meaning of true friends.  I was stood up for prom so that I would learn not to settle, and so that I would be open to the idea of an incredible guy coming into my life.  I go to shows for an escape, and in doing so, I get to meet both bands and fans who are in this “scene” for the same reason.  It’s truly an amazing community of dedicated people on both ends, whether they’re on stage or in the crowd.  I’m so honored to be a part of something so wonderful and so widespread. 

» I’ve reached a point where I’m finally happy.  I can say this with no doubt, no hint of falseness. Iamhappy.  I’m at my dream college, living in my favorite place in the world, making real true friends, dating the perfect guy;  I am literally living out my dreams, and I’m only 19.  It’s hard to process sometimes. 

» Even with everything falling into place so perfectly, I still get hit with bouts of depression.  I just don’t understand it, but I guess some insecurities will never really go away.  I’ve been slacking when it comes to my website because I have to do school work, and seeing other people with similar sites land interviews with big artists makes me upset.  That, combined with the fact that learning things irrelevant to my goals makes me want to gauge my eyes out, makes things difficult.  I’ve lost my motivation recently.  I haven’t done an interview or a review in ages, and all the school stuff is so monotonous.  But whenever I’m feeling really anxious or distraught (or tempted to turn to Hulu and ignore all the work I need to do), I know that I can pick an artist, put ‘em on shuffle, and breathe.  Right now I’m struggling through a 6 page paper on Marco Polo.  The only things keeping me going are my Marvel mug full of coffee and a playlist of only Envy On The Coast.  Sometimes I just need to realize that I can do whatever I set my mind to.  I can snag the interviews I want.  I can be important.  I can share the music that helps me with others so that it can help them too. Right now, I just need to know that I can finish this paper.  But in the grand scheme of things, I know I can make a difference.  I know I can I know I will.

“No I’m not afraid, at least not to die, I’m afraid to live and not remember why.”  - Envy on The Coast

2 months ago · 10 notes